a month

Wow, I've been busy. And for the last month I've been feeling really good. Little or no depression, stomach great ... until this week. Suddenly the gnawing feeling in my stomach is back. I'm eating no dairy or eggs, minimal soy ... and here I am. Starving all the time. This morning it woke me up at 5.

I'm at a loss. It could be my post-menstrual crap. It could be the wine I've been drinking (I've stopped just in case -- did you know some wines are made with eggs or milk??). It could be the hella stressful couple of weeks I've had.

All I know is, I suddenly can't relax. My stomach gnaws and gnaws. The hole is back. Shit. The good news is that I don't have any of the nausea I had before. But now I've got the fear ... I just keep waiting for it to come back, too. I really thought that making such a big dietary change would last longer than a month. Honestly, I'm a little pissed ... what the hell am I supposed to do? Spend $300 on an allergy test every six weeks? Stop eating? My husband suggested that I try a little harder to rotate my foods, which is a good suggestion ... I probably do eat the same things too often. But, hell ... at this rate two days a week I'm going to be rotating in air because that's all there will be that's legal. Or maybe it's not.

I'm so hoping that this is temporary. That it's because of wine or coffee or stress and in a few days it'll taper off. Please. I'm really not ready to do this again. Please.

busybusybusy

I'm coming up on a busy couple of weeks - I'm starting a new job (from home, just a new account, but still, there are a lot of adjustments to make, a lot to learn) that doubles my workload -- and that doesn't count my full time job (you know, the one with the two little very demanding bosses). So I'll be busy. I am planning on doing a post to cover my EFT homework -- which is to plan a normal day out of the house. I think it will be interesting -- a lot of people who say they have agoraphobia still manage to do normal things -- you know, they go grocery shopping, take the kids to dance class, whatever. I don't. I might do another post that goes through one of our real normal days too. Anyway, that will probably be the extent of my posting over the next 2 weeks.

Right now? I'm still struggling with food. My appetite is fine. I'm starving, actually. I'm figuring out that the gnawing, uncomfortable stomach feeling seems to happen when I eat dairy (or anything else that I'm sensitive to). Unfortunately it seems to be happening somewhat with goat milk products now, too -- although I seem to be able to get away with a very small amount. Still, I'm really struggling with what to eat. I'm planning to cut out all dairy completely, along with eggs and soy and minimal wheat -- oh, and no nuts, either. They didn't show a reaction on my allergy test, but they just don't work for me. Ugh. I've ordered a dairy and egg and nut free cookbook, which should be here in a day or two. I'm hoping that will give me some options. Then I'm dragging everyone on a monumental grocery shopping trip this weekend. If we need to go to Whole Foods, we're going. I'm starving, and it has to stop. I am still allowing myself one small glass of white wine either with dinner or before bed -- I don't know if that's a good idea or not, but it seems to make life a little nicer, so what the hell. I need some kind of treat, right?

So that's it. Happy working to me. And happy everything to you.

Monday

I made it to EFT on Friday. It was fine, although my blood sugar/stomach was not being very friendly.

This weekend was uneventful. Went for a short hike in the park with my husband and kids -- fairly successfully. Also -- and this is bigger -- went to a movie last night. The last movie I went to was two years ago -- I was very nervous and wanted to leave. Last night was better. Once the movie got going, I did pretty well -- while we sat through the pre-movie stuff, I babbled incessantly, and was wound up enough to feel sort of tipsy (which I wasn't -- probably just hyperventilating a bit). I snacked pretty constantly through the movie, just to keep my blood sugar in check, and made it pretty well. Yay, me.

Today, I'm exhausted. The kids are gone, and I need to be getting some serious work done, but I'm so tired. So far I've made it without any dairy at all -- goat or cow -- and my stomach has been feeling pretty good. I'm sure I'll be starving at some point, but so far so good. I'm discouraged about the dairy -- and this busy work time isn't conducive to seeking out and trying new recipes -- but plenty of people can't eat dairy and they don't have the resources I do. I'll manage. If my stomach feels better, I'll do whatever it takes.

Not again?

My tummy seems to be rebelling again. Just a little. For the past couple of days I've been constantly hungry and this morning I was all knotted up. As far as that, though, I was actually worrying about things when I woke up. My husband told me -- as I was going to sleep (thanks) -- that he's going out of state for four days in a month (him being out of town is my hugest stressor, always, which means I will begin panicking now and be in a total frenzy by the time he actually goes), I'm starting a new job (which is the same as my current work-from-home job, but which more than doubles my work load), and I have an EFT appointment today that I'm very much not wanting to go to (I'm still considering calling and cancelling). So my tension level is high, but I'm also worried that my substitution of goat milk and cheese for cow's milk is backfiring, and I'm feeling the need to cut the goat stuff out as well. Which makes me panic a little about what exactly I'm supposed to eat.

Sigh. I think the job is what's got me currently in a bunch. And probably why I don't want to go to EFT today -- I just can't stand the thought of having one more thing in my schedule. My previous work load was enough to stress me out because it usually means relying on the TV a lot to entertain the kids. Double the work means I dump them in front of the TV more and also miss out on my own necessary personal stuff -- like yoga and "me" time in the evenings for half the month. I know in a couple of months I'll get in the swing of things, but for now I'm really dreading the transition.

Follow Through Who?

I'm wondering at my lack of ability to follow through with anything. I think that's one reason my agoraphobia is sticking around. Or maybe lack of commitment is a problem agoraphobics tend to have.

I'm trying very hard (in my mind) to justify cancelling my EFT appointment tomorrow. Even though in my mind I've committed to five appointments (tomorrow is number 3). I don't know why. I've been a little anxious this week, but it's mostly due to eating things I shouldn't be eating and maybe a little PMS. If I'd straighten out my diet, I'd be fine. I've really enjoyed my previous appointments, but I think the reason I want to not go is I see that the real work should be starting soon. And that makes me feel lazy. Last time, the therapist had me go outside with him to do some tapping. It was hot and kind of awkward. But I really wasn't that uncomfortable, and I probably could've done more than I did, but I didn't feel like it with him there and in the heat. Lazy. And this time I'm thinking that he's going to see if I can do more. And I'm just feeling not like walking around a busy business neigborhood is the million degree heat. So at this point, either I start thinking it's not worth it or I keep going and he thinks I'm resisting. Which I guess I am. It's interesting that I'm seeing this part of myself so clearly this time. Maybe it will help me follow through better.

It makes me wonder if my lack of desire to go for walks and practice drives is just laziness too. OK, I know it's not just laziness -- it's also absolute terror of that heart pounding feeling I get when I try to go out alone. Right now, it's partly this time of year. Even when I was a kid, I was absolutely useless in the summer heat. It renders me useless, and I just want to nap all day. Which I usually did in the summer as a kid. But I can't totally blame the heat. I've had three years and lots of different weather to change how I am, and I haven't done it.

Right now, though, I'm starving (another excuse I have for not trying and skipping my appointment -- damn, I've been starving the last 3 days), so I should get a snack before I turn into a freak.

So glad

to feel better enough not to remember to post every day. I'd say I'm back to my pre-whatever the hell happened two months ago self. No more puking and nausea, and relatively better sleep.

What does that mean? I'm still anxious -- we go out, and I get minorly panicked. We had some furniture delivered today, and my husband couldn't be here, so I had to deal with that -- again, some panic (which escalated a lot right before the delivery guys left, but overall, I made it ok with strangers in the house for nearly an hour). Agoraphobia is definitely still working, but at least if I'm feeling very not like going out, I can stay in and feel pretty good. In short, I don't feel like shit all the time, and that's a major relief.

When I was taking medication and feeling my worst, I couldn't read, couldn't think of meals to make, couldn't take the kids outside, couldn't eat or sleep, and was afraid to take a shower. I could sit at the computer and obsessively google symptoms. Yay. Now, though, I'm functioning. This is what I wanted -- to get back to how I felt a few months ago.

So here I am. Now I need to take advantage of feeling better physically and really work on my anxiety. I have another EFT appointment on Friday. I also need to clean up my couple of bad habits -- mainly the bit of wine and caffeine I've been having -- so that I'll feel my absolute best. Honestly, though, at the moment, I'm just so relieved to be able to sleep and eat and feel alive again, that I just want to enjoy it.

Still hanging in ...

Three relaxed, feeling pretty good mornings. It's so nice to sleep a little bit late and have an entirely calm stomach. So weird that it just. stopped. I wonder what did it? Was it eliminating milk and eggs? Was it the fact that last week was crazy and this week is not? Was it the absence of medication? Was it just time? I have to think it was something -- because I woke up sick and knotted for two whole months. About a week after the diet changes and two weeks after quitting Klonopin, it stops.

I've had a ton of (kind of nervous) energy this week, too. Yesterday I finished painting my son's room (which has been in progress and mostly done by my husband for about a month) and cleaned up -- it was five good hours of pretty hard work. I haven't done anything that strenuous in months. Hell, I haven't even vacuumed in about six weeks (we have hard floors, and I have swept with a broom, so don't think I'm totally disgusting).

This morning, though, I'm having the urge to do nothing. Which I feel is deserved after yesterday. I've been having such a hard time getting the kids outside this week -- the heat index has been at 110 for days -- I'm just not tolerating the heat this summer, and I'm not enjoying being in the pool at all (I'm not sure it's anxiety, either -- it's just very unappealing, even at the spa, where I was kid free, it just didn't sound nice -- odd, because last summer I was totally into the heat and the water). We'll see if we make it out today or not. I went outside about 8:30 a.m. and it was already sweltering. I feel bad keeping us inside, but the kids get tired of sweat and bug bites after about ten minutes anyway. I guess ten minutes of fresh (hot, muggy) air is better than nothing.

Good weekend wishes! Mine actually may be! I do wish it included last weekend's reflexology treatment ....